I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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