If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
