The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
