there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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