Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
