??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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