I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
