i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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