She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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