I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
