Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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