I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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