I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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