She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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