A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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