My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
