I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
