I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
