dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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