and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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