Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize