I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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