A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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