Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
