3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
