im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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