i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
