There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
