I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
