Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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