our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
