he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
