I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
