just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
