Jerry, you need to find god
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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