My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
