update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize