i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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