some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
