Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
