my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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