How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
