We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
