good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
