I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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