News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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