This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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