he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
