If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
