the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
