I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
