First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize