I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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